Let's just start this post by admitting how hard it was to pick a template...then I found the wherewithal to tell myself that it doesn't have to be so hard because it does NOT have to be perfect. Once I let myself breezily pick something without thinking too hard about it, I found a sense of empowerment lurking there beyond the shadows.
I came back from Burning Man 2011: Rites of Passage about a week and a half ago, perhaps less. It has been the roughest and toughest transition I've ever made back into my life in SLC. I went through a period of time for the first few years here where every time I left to visit another place, I would be desperately sad upon return. This was some of that, but it was different. I was sad and fearful that I was leaving behind my ability to lose my ego, to not be perfect, to let go of certain standards I have of myself, to leave behind the empowered sense I felt doing whatever I wanted - re: makeup, activities, clothes, food, drugs, etc... My therapist has seen me twice since my return; she refers to my current state as "deconstructed." She sees me as a deconstructed version of myself right now, and I notice all the ways she tries to positively reinforce this version of me. When she saw me last week, and I made a comment on how I felt less compelled to look perfect or whatever, she said, "I noticed. Welcome. I like this Ashley."
I left yesterday's session with her realizing I needed to find a way to implement these experiential lessons I'd learned. Writing is the best way I can think of. I do my best thinking when writing, and it can be meditative for me. I will use it as a way to check in with myself as well as offer myself the space to think of all the ways I choose to give in to the trappings of the regular social world and the ways in which I choose to go against my 31 years of training.
Let's start with today. I feel physically quite well today, though I feel a bit pudgy and out of shape. Well, not in perfect shape, let me be clear. I have taken it easy on myself during my last two workouts, and I allowed myself to eat a bunch of cheez-its on Monday, so I can't help but be hard on myself for how my body feels right now. No one else would notice the difference, but I feel it. I know it's there. I am going to attempt to choose go easy on myself for this, and rest easy knowing I'll be working out again tomorrow.
I am meeting with Janine in a little bit to discuss how I'll be assisting her during an IPI course this year. I have a strong urge to drink a shot of alcohol right before in order to calm my nerves. I have no reason to be nervous, but meeting with a prof holds a very powerful association of evaluation and judgment for me. They've never been judgmental, but I think I've been very judgmental of myself. I am going to make every effort to not take that shot and allow myself to be totally imperfect during this meeting with her. However it goes and however I behave is OK. I realized on Sunday morning when I couldn't sleep that I am making myself sick with judgments and expectations and standards. I have to stop.
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