Day two of this blog almost didn't happen, and I was going to beat myself up for it, so here I am doing it. I suppose that's OK. I find that I need to look at myself and how I treat myself with a little levity. I certainly need to take what I do to myself seriously, but I won't get there by beating myself up for beating myself up. I have to look at it and laugh or be amused rather than hate it. I have to accept it. Yes, that's what I fucking do - I set stupid standards for myself that I loathe not meeting. Why do I do this to myself? I had this huge lurking fear that if I didn't suck it up and start on day 2, I'd never write another entry. Totally rational. Totes.
Today I hung out with my friends Sarah and Andy rather than go to Target and do other various things I needed to do. But I'm OK with that as I don't make that choice every day. It also just felt really nice to hang with them and have fun without Eric. I try to embrace those opportunities because they occur only infrequently.
Today as I put on makeup to simply go to Target, I tried to embrace that side of myself rather than worry about whether or not I was renegging on my plan to be more deconstructed. Thing is, I had some new eye makeup that I really wanted to keep experimenting with. and that's ok. that really is OK. I have to let that be OK. Tomorrow I may not feel like makeup and that has to be OK too. I guess that really is the point - to question myself less and accept myself more.
Last night we hung out with conor and yoshi, and yoshi mentioned how she had to untag herself in one of my photos. I started to hate myself for even posting it, then i thought, nope, that was my decision, and I did the best I could at editing and creating a "real" album, and if others don't like something, they need to speak up. I have to let others take care of themselves and leave room for the fact that my choices won't be perfect.
YOU'RE NOT PERFECT, SO JUST EMBRACE ALL YOUR IMPERFECTIONS! People will love and like you anyway! (this is me yelling at myself.)
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
see, it gets me everywhere i go.
Let's just start this post by admitting how hard it was to pick a template...then I found the wherewithal to tell myself that it doesn't have to be so hard because it does NOT have to be perfect. Once I let myself breezily pick something without thinking too hard about it, I found a sense of empowerment lurking there beyond the shadows.
I came back from Burning Man 2011: Rites of Passage about a week and a half ago, perhaps less. It has been the roughest and toughest transition I've ever made back into my life in SLC. I went through a period of time for the first few years here where every time I left to visit another place, I would be desperately sad upon return. This was some of that, but it was different. I was sad and fearful that I was leaving behind my ability to lose my ego, to not be perfect, to let go of certain standards I have of myself, to leave behind the empowered sense I felt doing whatever I wanted - re: makeup, activities, clothes, food, drugs, etc... My therapist has seen me twice since my return; she refers to my current state as "deconstructed." She sees me as a deconstructed version of myself right now, and I notice all the ways she tries to positively reinforce this version of me. When she saw me last week, and I made a comment on how I felt less compelled to look perfect or whatever, she said, "I noticed. Welcome. I like this Ashley."
I left yesterday's session with her realizing I needed to find a way to implement these experiential lessons I'd learned. Writing is the best way I can think of. I do my best thinking when writing, and it can be meditative for me. I will use it as a way to check in with myself as well as offer myself the space to think of all the ways I choose to give in to the trappings of the regular social world and the ways in which I choose to go against my 31 years of training.
Let's start with today. I feel physically quite well today, though I feel a bit pudgy and out of shape. Well, not in perfect shape, let me be clear. I have taken it easy on myself during my last two workouts, and I allowed myself to eat a bunch of cheez-its on Monday, so I can't help but be hard on myself for how my body feels right now. No one else would notice the difference, but I feel it. I know it's there. I am going to attempt to choose go easy on myself for this, and rest easy knowing I'll be working out again tomorrow.
I am meeting with Janine in a little bit to discuss how I'll be assisting her during an IPI course this year. I have a strong urge to drink a shot of alcohol right before in order to calm my nerves. I have no reason to be nervous, but meeting with a prof holds a very powerful association of evaluation and judgment for me. They've never been judgmental, but I think I've been very judgmental of myself. I am going to make every effort to not take that shot and allow myself to be totally imperfect during this meeting with her. However it goes and however I behave is OK. I realized on Sunday morning when I couldn't sleep that I am making myself sick with judgments and expectations and standards. I have to stop.
I came back from Burning Man 2011: Rites of Passage about a week and a half ago, perhaps less. It has been the roughest and toughest transition I've ever made back into my life in SLC. I went through a period of time for the first few years here where every time I left to visit another place, I would be desperately sad upon return. This was some of that, but it was different. I was sad and fearful that I was leaving behind my ability to lose my ego, to not be perfect, to let go of certain standards I have of myself, to leave behind the empowered sense I felt doing whatever I wanted - re: makeup, activities, clothes, food, drugs, etc... My therapist has seen me twice since my return; she refers to my current state as "deconstructed." She sees me as a deconstructed version of myself right now, and I notice all the ways she tries to positively reinforce this version of me. When she saw me last week, and I made a comment on how I felt less compelled to look perfect or whatever, she said, "I noticed. Welcome. I like this Ashley."
I left yesterday's session with her realizing I needed to find a way to implement these experiential lessons I'd learned. Writing is the best way I can think of. I do my best thinking when writing, and it can be meditative for me. I will use it as a way to check in with myself as well as offer myself the space to think of all the ways I choose to give in to the trappings of the regular social world and the ways in which I choose to go against my 31 years of training.
Let's start with today. I feel physically quite well today, though I feel a bit pudgy and out of shape. Well, not in perfect shape, let me be clear. I have taken it easy on myself during my last two workouts, and I allowed myself to eat a bunch of cheez-its on Monday, so I can't help but be hard on myself for how my body feels right now. No one else would notice the difference, but I feel it. I know it's there. I am going to attempt to choose go easy on myself for this, and rest easy knowing I'll be working out again tomorrow.
I am meeting with Janine in a little bit to discuss how I'll be assisting her during an IPI course this year. I have a strong urge to drink a shot of alcohol right before in order to calm my nerves. I have no reason to be nervous, but meeting with a prof holds a very powerful association of evaluation and judgment for me. They've never been judgmental, but I think I've been very judgmental of myself. I am going to make every effort to not take that shot and allow myself to be totally imperfect during this meeting with her. However it goes and however I behave is OK. I realized on Sunday morning when I couldn't sleep that I am making myself sick with judgments and expectations and standards. I have to stop.
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